


Without memories

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Amnesia, Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-08-04
Updated: 2008-08-04
Packaged: 2018-09-03 19:45:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8727811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: Howling with pain he capitulated and laid back on, what he guessed was a bed and closed his eyes. His mind raced fast but nothing clear came through. Just tiny, fuzzy pieces here and there. His head was hurting when he tried to locate his memories but failed. He was sure they were there. That he actually had memories. Lots of them.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).
> 
>  **Author's notes:** written for honey, who also betaed this story.

TITLE: Without memories

Author: Jady (wickedsome)

W/C: 4013 

Paring: Sam/Dean

Rating: +18 I guess

Disclaimer: I don’t own the boys, I wish I would but I don’t.

Warning: wincest, amnesia!fic, bottom!Dam, hurt!Dean 

Summary: i suck at this so here is little part of the story… _Howling with pain he capitulated and laid back on, what he guessed was a bed and closed his eyes. His mind raced fast but nothing clear came through. Just tiny, fuzzy pieces here and there. His head was hurting when he tried to locate his memories but failed. He was sure they were there. That he actually **had** memories. Lots of them._

Beta: Honey 

A/n: this is written for my lovely beta. Couple weeks ago I were whining to her via msn that I’m bored and frustrated, so she asked me to write amnesia fic to her, it’s here now, thanks to her, I hope you all will like it too.

FEEDBACK: would be lovely and welcomed 

[](http://pics.livejournal.com/wickedsome/pic/0001tg6h/)

First thing he noticed was a bright light. Flickering color were circling around his sight. He tried to concentrate but everything looked blurry. With a painful headache he tried to get up but strong arms pushed him back to where he was lying. It felt strange, though, but in some way it made him feel comfortable and safe which was even more confusing because he didn’t know where he was but he could swear he was supposed to know it.

Howling with pain he capitulated and laid back on, what he guessed was a bed and closed his eyes. His mind raced fast but nothing clear came through. Just tiny, fuzzy pieces here and there. His head was hurting when he tried to locate his memories but failed. He was sure they were there. That he actually **had** memories. Lots of them.

Deep in his thoughts he didn’t realize that someone was holding his hand and was speaking to him with a low soothing voice. A little squeeze on his hand took him out of his thoughts. He opened his eyes slowly, trying to focus on anything to improve his eyesight. It took him a while to get used to the brightness of the room and with his now almost perfect eyesight, he looked around carefully. His body was in so much pain that he nearly couldn’t stand it. 

He turned to look at his side, where someone was sitting beside his bed. There was a guy, who smiled at him with warm, soft eyes; instantly he smiled back shyly. He had absolutely no idea who this guy was, but he could tell that he should actually know it because the guy started to talk to him in a fast and happy way. Like they know each other very well.

“Oh, I was so damn worried about you, they weren’t even sure whether you’d make it.” 

That guy really talked fast. He had serious issues to follow what he was saying. All that thinking and trying made his head screaming loudly with pain. He tried to speak but his throat felt raw and his tongue felt like sand paper. Coughing hard, he tried to clear his throat. 

The guy stood up, helped him to sit up and held him while he tried to drink some water. After that was done successfully he laid back down. Intentionally slowly so that his aching body wouldn’t protest that much. He sighed happily when he felt the soft pillow under his head again. Closing his eyes that were hurting, too, he opened his mouth and tried to speak.

“Wh… who ah...”

Apparently it was a bit more difficult than he expected it to be. He sighed frustrated and looked at the guy. The guy’s huge, hazel eyes looked sadly back at him with no trace left of that warm smile that he had seconds before. 

“Dean?”

The Guy asked in a whisper. So he guessed that was his name. That guy looked at him, brows burrowed and with sad eyes, which reminded him of a puppy dog.

“And you are?” he asked with a low, raspy voice. 

The guy looked as if he was about to cry. It was so sad that he felt his own eyes getting wet, too.

“You don’t remember me, Dean? I’m Sam.”

That helped. Just a bit. So **he** was Dean and the stranger was Sam. But, hell, why was he here with him? Maybe his thoughts were reflected on his face, because that Sam guy started to talk fast again.

“You got in an accident and you almost died.”

He watched Sam, who sighed and palmed his face.

“Oh… So Sam, why you’re here?”

He was glad that talking was easier than it was a while ago, but it still hurt in his throat. Sam looked even sadder. A single tear fell on his cheek when he answered.

“I’m your brother, Dean.”

Okay, maybe that made sense because why would Sam be here with him if he weren’t his brother or any other relative? Smiling sadly over to his brother, Dean closed his eyes and breathed in deeply. Maybe everything would work out, even if he didn’t remember anything at all. But things would be as they were, wouldn’t they? 

Week later…

On the day they released him from the hospital, still without his memory, Dean followed his brother out of the hospital’s main doors. He stepped into a world where he didn’t know anything about his life or what kind of person he was.

Sam had told him some things about their lives, like that their parents were dead and they didn’t have a steady home, that their job was helping people, what kind of helping, that, he didn’t mention but Dean thought Sam would tell him that soon enough.

The things the doctor said about his memory loss weren’t so good though. He had had a private conversation with Dr. Wallace and he had learned that his body would full recover but he wasn’t that lucky with his head damages. Dr. Wallace had said clearly enough that he probably wouldn’t get his memory back.

Sighing Dean sat on the passenger seat while Sam took a seat on the driver’s side. They sat there in silence but Sam had told him earlier on that he didn’t really like silence. Out of old habit he reached under the seat for the box full of tapes and started to go through them.

It was funny that he could still remember little things. Like how he liked his coffee or something tasted. The most important: He knew what music he loved. 

He picked some random Metallica tape and held it out to Sam who took it without complaining and put it on. Smiling sadly he got the car in gear and laughed when Dean started to hum along the familiar song.

“Dude, how can you remember Metallica but not me?”

Sam did laugh but Dean could see that it hurt his brother that he couldn’t remember him. He didn’t say anything just smiled back and asked whether they could go somewhere and grab some food.

“Oh man, you’re always hungry.”

With that Sam wheeled the car into the traffic, smiling at Dean who sang loudly and off-key to the Metallica song.

‘’

Dean was sitting opposite Sam; they were eating in a small diner that was located at the road. Dean was starving, so he stuffed food in his mouth, which made his brother laugh out loud. It sounded kinda nice, he thought. Sam’s happy laugh made his heart ache in some way he really didn’t want to explore further, but maybe it just meant that he wanted his brother to be happy.

“You look like a pig, a very disgusting pig.”

With a mouth full of food Dean huffed which made some piece of burger falling out of his mouth onto the table. Sam rolled his eyes so hard that Dean thought they would jump out their hollows.

“Dude, you’re so disgusting.”

Smirking at his brother, Dean continued stuffing his food into his mouth and teasing Sam with it, while he was eating.

‘’

After a while they fell in comfortable habit; Dean didn’t question anything Sam told him and Sam tried not to be bothered because Dean didn’t remember. Although Dean knew that he was hurt and useless now, it annoyed him that Sam was the one who took care of everything and Dean had this feeling that this had been his job. Before he had lost his memory of course.

And it seemed as if Sam enjoyed it.

They tried to act as if everything was okay, but Dean saw that Sam was a bit sad from time to time. Looking as if he had lost someone who meant a lot to him, Dean couldn’t blame him for anything ‘cause in some way it was the truth. 

‘’

They found a small town to settle down and to wait for Dean to heal completely. Sam had found a two-room apartment owned by an old lady with a sweet and very caring personality.

In there with Sam, Dean felt safe and taken care of but Sam’s sadness bothered him. Looking at Sam’s miserable face and sad smile, knowing that he was the reason for it, almost killed him.

It was a really warm night, so that they could sit outside both provided with a cold beer. The sun was almost gone but there was still some glowing light left. Dean nipped at his beer while looking at Sam. Dean knew somehow that Sam was more silent than usual. He had that sad look on his face again, that made Dean’s chest feel tight. It was a new feeling, and he wasn’t sure what to think of it.

Sighing he put down his bottle and turned around to face Sam. Sam lifted his head and looked back at him. These lovely, hazel eyes looked watery and sad. Dean wanted to hug him but he wasn’t sure whether that was appropriate, so he just nudged Sam’s shoulder. 

“What’s wrong, buddy?”

Sam smiled sadly and looked away.

“Nothing, I’m just tired, I guess.”

Dean didn’t believe him but he didn’t want to start arguing, so he huffed and picked up his beer. Contracting his brows he gulped down what was left of his beer and stood up.

“Okay, I’m going to get another one.”

And he headed towards the back door. Inside of the house, Dean walked from the living room to the kitchen. Their home looked nice, even though it was small; Dean really liked to be here. Taking two beers out of the fridge, his thoughts wandered to Sam. 

Sam had talked much about their parents and life with their dad but Dean had the feeling that Sam missed to tell him something important. He noticed that when Sam started to talk about events that took place before the accident. Then, Sam stared at him with a weird look on his face and Dean saw that Sam left many things unsaid. 

Dean was so deep in his thoughts that he didn’t see when Sam entered the kitchen. He startled when Sam touched his shoulder, squeezing it a little. Dean turned to see Sam who laughed at the look on Dean’s face.

“You should see yourself now.”

It would have been almost funny to see Sam snickering like a schoolgirl if Dean hadn’t been feeling the way he did. When Sam had touched him, he had felt a warm tingle on his skin and it had made his whole body shiver. Dean wasn’t sure how he was supposed to deal with that feeling because after all, Sam was his brother. And Dean knew for sure that he shouldn’t feel that way when his brother touched him.

Confused by his body’s reaction, Dean moved away from Sam and smirked.

“Here’s your beer, **Samantha.** ” 

When Sam huffed and stormed out of the kitchen, Dean was laughing. Pushing his thoughts aside, Dean shook his head and followed his brother.

During the same night Dean was laying on his bed. He wasn’t tired. Not even a bit. He rolled over on his left side; maybe he could sleep easier that way. It was worth a try but neither his thoughts wanted to sleep nor his body.

He wasn’t sure how he felt, when Sam was close. He even caught himself smelling at him. When Sam touched him by accident, his body shivered and he felt warmth moving through his whole body. After a while he thought of how Sam’s lips looked so soft and how his hair would feel like silk, if he ran his fingers trough it.

That was when Dean decided that he should definitely go to sleep. 

‘’

Dean’s week flowed by. The confusing feelings towards Sam didn’t stop and he didn’t dare to say anything to him, because he didn’t even know what to think about them himself. One night he had woken up by an arching hard on which had come from a very visual and realistic dream of Sam. That really scared the crap out of him. It really felt weird, and it should feel wrong as hell, but at the same time it felt so damn right, he couldn’t believe it.

He really didn’t want to talk about it with Sam though, because he knew that his feelings were wrong.

They had decided to spend the night at the local bar. There were a couple of other men and women when they got there. Sam walked directly towards the bar, while Dean headed to look for a free table. He watched Sam, who stood on the other side of the bar, ordering beer.

Sam looked so strong and Dean thought he could imagine how Sam looked under all his clothes. Again, his pants started to feel tight. Pushing his thoughts aside, Dean watched his brother walking towards him with two beers in his hands. 

“Here is your beer.”

Sam handed him one and sat down on the other side of the table. Dean placed his beer on the table and watched Sam. Sam was looking so sad again; he was barely looking at him. It really started to give him the shits. Sam was acting like a child. It wasn’t his fault that he didn’t remember, was it?

Sam lifted his glass close to his mouth and sipped some of the liquid. Dean watched Sam’s movements and a moan escaped his lips.

Luckily, Sam took it the wrong way and turned to look at Dean with worry shining in his eyes.

“Are you hurting?”

Sam’s voice brought him back from his fantasy world; sighing Dean lifted his beer and swallowed a mouthful, before he answered.

“No, I’m just bored.”

Sam gave him a little smile and went back to watching nothing in particular.

‘’

Later that night Dean wanted to play pool, so he dragged Sam along. The bar was more crowded than before and Dean was already a little buzzed. His eyes wandered around the bar looking for some action. Not that his brother’s company was boring, no not at all, but he didn’t mind meeting some other people, too. It was just the fact he didn’t really knew what kind of person he was and this would be a good way to find out. 

Dean leaned on the pool table, looking at Sam who sipped his beer and looked for a good angle to shoot. Sam huffed irritated, when a couple of girls approached. Giggling stupidly. Dean glanced at them; they were real nice looking girls with shiny blonde locks and good bodies.

And he didn’t mind that they sent heated looks towards him because he had seen himself in the mirror, so he knew that he was a good catch. 

Smirking to his own thoughts, he turned to look at his brother who was looking at him. Dean saw that something had made his brother look rather pissed than amused like he was. He couldn’t quite put his finger on what he had done that had Sam got so angry. 

Lifting his brow, he looked amused at Sam.

“What’s wrong with you?”

That made Sam huff; he put his pool stick on the table and walked past Dean. Dean watched Sam walking away and got more and more confused. He hurried and followed his brother, grabbing his shoulder on the way.

“Where are you going?”

Sam’s ice cold look pierced Dean’s skin. With a low, harsh voice he said his answer:

“I’m going home, you can come whenever you want to.”

With that he left.

Dean stood there, gasping for air like a fish. What the hell was Sam’s problem now? Sighing Dean turned to look at his beer and took a huge gulp.

‘’

Dean stood in front of their house; he was more confused than drunk. In the bar Dean had started to talk with those blond girls, flirting and playing with them until one of them warmed up to him. Her name was Claire and she was very pretty and had a nice body. Talked a lot, though, but it didn’t bother him much because she had nice tits. 

But when he had kissed her, he had felt nothing. Okay, he did feel something but that was not what he expected to feel. He had felt guilty and wrong; he had felt as if he was cheating on someone.

And it was Sam’s image, which came to his mind first.

So now he was there, deciding what to do or what to say. Everything was so confusing and he wasn’t sure or he didn’t even wanna think about how Sam would react but something told him that everything would just be fine.

Sighing Dean opened the door and skulked around. The whole house was dark except the little light, coming out of Sam’s room. Dean took off his jacket, threw it on the couch and headed towards Sam’s room.

He stopped right in front of it and stood there watching his brother who was sitting on his bed, looking ever so sad. Dean couldn’t stop himself walking closer towards Sam’s bed.

Dean reached out and ran his fingers trough Sam’s hair. It was just as silky against his skin as he had imagined it to be. Slowly he sat down next to his brother who still refused to look at him. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say or do, but just sit there and comfort Sam seemed to be the right thing to do.

“You know, it’s more difficult than I thought.”

Dean stopped playing with Sam’s hair and looked at him. He wasn’t sure what Sam was saying.

“What?”

Sam still looked down, looking so miserable and hurt, Dean felt a tight knot growing in his stomach.

“You know, it was so hard to watch you in the hospital and I just prayed that you gonna make it.”

Sam turned around to look at him and Dean nodded.

“And when you woke up, I was so damn happy that I got you back, even without memories but still…”

Sam smiled a little, but then his smile died.

“But now, it’s so hard to have you back, because you don’t remember.”

Now Dean was more confused. He had absolutely no idea what Sam was talking about.

He started to ask what he was saying, when he felt soft and warm lips against his own. Without thinking, he kissed back, tasting all what was Sam.

Sam moaned and raised his hands on Dean’s neck, running his fingers trough his short hair. There was this burning feeling caused by having Sam’s soft lips against his own and when Sam licked his lips with his tongue, he whimpered and opened his mouth to Sam.

“I have missed this.”

Sam leaned his forehead against Dean’s. 

Dean held his eyes closed, feeling Sam’s hot breath against his skin, which made his whole body shiver.

He opened his eyes when Sam pulled back a little and stared at him. Sadness and passion reflected on his face. Dean’s chest felt tight and the want he felt was more than he could bear. In some way he knew that he belonged there, in his brother’s arms, even if he couldn’t remember it.

Dean lifted his hand to touch Sam’s cheek; Sam leaned into the touch, making sobbing noises.

“I may not remember, but I know how I feel and this is where I belong.”

With that Dean closed the space between them and took control of Sam’s mouth.

He laid Sam on is back, touching his body and placing little kisses on his heated skin, licking and biting along his body. Sam moaned and whimpered with every bite and lick Dean made. Dean ran his tongue along Sam’s chest, stopping to tease Sam’s already hard nipples. He took one of them in his mouth and sucked lightly on it before stroking with his tongue around it, making Sam moan louder. He did the same procedure with the other nipple.

When Dean got to Sam’s waistline, Sam was already hard and leaking for him. Smiling to his brother Dean licked slowly the head of Sam’s cock. It tastes bitter but it didn’t bother him because the noises, which came out of Sam’s mouth excited him, so he took the head of Sam’s cock in his mouth sucking lightly, while whirling his tongue around the head.

When Dean took Sam’s cock further in his mouth, Sam started to move his hips, bumping his cock deeper in Dean’s mouth. 

“Dean, stop, I can’t hold on any longer.”

Dean released Sam’s cock with a loud “pop” and smiled up to Sam. He looked totally fucked and flushed, which made Dean’s own arching cock screaming for Sam to touch.

Sam reached out his hand to grab the lube from the nightstand next to his bed. He handed it to Dean, who poured plenty of it on his fingers, slightly slicking them. 

He looked at Sam who just nodded to the unspoken question, which a little hitch Dean worked his way to Sam’s hole.

Dean circled his finger around Sam’s hole, not pushing it in yet. Sam moaned and whimpered every time Dean stroked the sensitive skin.

“Dean, stop teasing.”

Sam begged him more and Dean pushed his finger in. Sam felt tight and so hot, that he almost came right there and then. He started moving his finger in and out, hitting Sam’s prostate with every single movement.

Sam was moaning louder, when three of Dean’s fingers were making their magic. Dean pulled his fingers out, which made Sam whimper from the loss. He reached for the lube and placed some of it on his hand. Then he lubed his cock, mixing the liquid with his own precome and settled between Sam’s legs. 

“Dean, come on.”

Sam was so desperate and needy that Dean smirked slightly and guided his cock close to Sam’s hole.

“Are you sure about this?”

His question made Sam roll his eyes and Dean took that as a “yes” and pushed through the tight ring of muscle. Sam was so hot and tight, that it took Dean all of his strength not to come yet. He let Sam adjust to his cock inside of him. It was hard for Dean not to move, and he sighed happily when Sam told him he should finally start moving.

He slid in and out, slowly teasing Sam’s prostate with every move. He leaned down to kiss Sam. It was a sloppy and hard kiss but Sam moaned in appreciation, and Dean moved his cock further in and out of his brother’s heat.

He came hard inside Sam when Sam spilled his seeds between the two of them with loud noises escaping his mouth. Dean collapsed on Sam’s chest, breathing hard. Sam stroked his hair and kissed his forehead.

“I still love you so much, Dean.”

Dean let his soft cock slide out of Sam and snuggled up to Sam’s chest. Sam put his arms around him and kissed Dean’s cheek.

“I know that I love you, too.”

Dean felt Sam’s lips kiss him on the soft skin of his neck while he spoke.

“I don’t know when or if I’m gonna start to remember but I know how I feel; and I feel that I belong here. Right here in your arms and I know that I’m in love with you.”

Sam’s hold got tighter and he said:

“I don’t care if you remember, as long as you’re with me. I just wanna be with you.”

Dean lifted his head and placed chaste kisses on Sam’s lips and snuggled closer to Sam’s warm body. Soon, they both fell asleep, holding each other like they used to do. Maybe Dean would never get his memory back but he had his brother and his lover. That was enough.

End 


End file.
